Tag Archives: Faith

Taking your own life

I’ve been getting a lot of posts in my Facebook feed about Brittany Maynard. For those who have seen the news, she is a 29 y/o female who is dying of brain cancer. She has decided to take medicine to end her life because she didn’t want to suffer or have her family watch her suffer.

Now I don’t want to judge anyone, because it is not my place, but I wanted to share my feelings. And I’d like to know yours.

I’ve struggled with hopelessness before. A few times actually. Once in college when I was under a lot of pressure to be perfect, to please my parents, to get into med school, while dealing with issues of very low self esteem and low self worth. Then my boyfriend cheated on me, the only person who knew who I really was and saw my worth. I felt like a nobody again.

Again in medical school, I felt that hopelessness again. Everything was so crazy. I didn’t want to be a doctor, but knew I’d come so far that I couldn’t quit. I couldn’t disappoint my family, and I had 250 grand worth of debt. I was trapped in a situation I couldn’t control.On top of that, I suffered from a very traumatic experience caused by someone I trusted.

Then once again after being diagnosed with lupus, I considered once again that life was not worth living. I believed I wouldn’t be able to work or have children. I thought I’d always be sick and in pain. I thought for sure my boyfriend would leave me. My future looked bleak.

Each time I considered ending it all. But I got through. And I am happy. Not completely healthy, but happy.

Now I am not comparing myself to Brittany or the trial she is going through, but I believe in hope. A hope that I have in Christ. A hope that comforts me through a tough time. A hope of knowing that God always provides. A hope that reminds me to rejoice through trials, because I know it is making me a stronger and better person.

My heart goes out to her and her family, as does my prayers. I’ve shared my thoughts, please share yours.

Moving

Well, I am moving in less than a week for my husband’s job, and I am starting to stress out big time. I’m not good with change, and this is a lot of change all at once. We are moving to a completely different city one hour away from where we were before. It’s taken the four years that we’ve lived here for me to finally get comfortable and make friends, and now we’re moving. There isn’t a bone in me that wants to move, and I’ve seriously been dreading moving day.

We will have a new home which I love, but I will admit I’m nervous about because of the stairs. Normally stairs aren’t a problem. I do the stair master at the gym, which, BTW ladies does wonders for the booty. But when I’m having joint pain, or a really bad flare, I worry about getting in and out of the house. It was a concern before I chose this place, but it was the best choice due to location and space.

Then there’s the job hunt. I’ve interviewed at a few places, but I haven’t signed a contract yet. I have this huge fear about about getting stuck in a miserable practice that is completely profit driven, instead of patient centered. I had a really horrible experience with my first job that I was at for two years. I’ll tell you the story sometime, and you’ll understand.

And the packing is making me crazy. It isn’t just that it’s physical labor but it’s emotionally taxing. I am very sentimental and I save everything. I’m talking receipts from a romantic dinner my husband took me too three years ago and clothes that I wore in high school (they will NEVER fit me again). Moving is the best time to de-clutter, and I’ve had to grudgingly throw away a lot of things that I’m seriously attached too.

With all the stress and change, I’m starting to worry about having a flare. And that’s when I realize, I just need to stop, take a deep breath, and know that everything is going to be OK. Life is going to be full of change, especially when I have lupus. I just have to have relax and have faith that I’m on the right track. God’s got a plan for me far better than I could even imagine.

My Story: Part 8- Faith

I think the the part of my life most affected by my diagnosis with lupus was my faith. At the time before my diagnosis, I was on a roll. I was doing really well at work, was in the running for chief resident, on my way to becoming a licensed physician. I had a really awesome boyfriend and flourishing relationship. My body was getting in shape and I was confident. I felt good about myself and my life. I felt powerful, and I felt like my life was finally in complete control. I was self reliant and could do everything on my own. I didn’t need anything or anyone because I had it all.

But then it happened. I was diagnosed with lupus and my whole world came crashing down. I no longer was in control of my body or my life. And that’s when I realized I needed God.

Now, I grew up Christian and attended church weekly for the most part. Religion was always a part of my life, but it was something I just did out of habit, maybe even out of guilt or obligation. It was never really a personal thing. There were times when I had felt close to God, but it wasn’t constant. It was only during times of need.

And now another time of need presented itself. But this time it was very different. I had never had an issue in my life before that would cause such a drastic and complete change in my life. And here I was completely lost, and life was completely out of my hands. But it was in God’s hands. He was in control. It didn’t mean that life would be easy, but now I knew I had Someone who cared for me and could heal me.

Through the blessings and the trials my faith in God grew. I would like to say that my faith is and was always strong, but that’s not the truth. As I got better, I would start to feel
like I didn’t need God again. Or when I was feeling really sick or hopeless, I would doubt God’s love and plan for my life. But as time has passed, and I have witnessed the healing and the love, I have learned to trust in God and His purpose for my life.

I know that we all have different beliefs, but I wanted to share mine because it’s such an important part of my life. It is not my intention to push my beliefs on anyone else. My personal relationship with God has formed the person I am today and has developed my perspective on life.

For those of us who are believers, I think it’s very important to be strong in our faith and continue our support for each other in prayers. If anyone would like to be added to the Prayer Corner, please let me know.