Tag Archives: hope

Taking your own life

I’ve been getting a lot of posts in my Facebook feed about Brittany Maynard. For those who have seen the news, she is a 29 y/o female who is dying of brain cancer. She has decided to take medicine to end her life because she didn’t want to suffer or have her family watch her suffer.

Now I don’t want to judge anyone, because it is not my place, but I wanted to share my feelings. And I’d like to know yours.

I’ve struggled with hopelessness before. A few times actually. Once in college when I was under a lot of pressure to be perfect, to please my parents, to get into med school, while dealing with issues of very low self esteem and low self worth. Then my boyfriend cheated on me, the only person who knew who I really was and saw my worth. I felt like a nobody again.

Again in medical school, I felt that hopelessness again. Everything was so crazy. I didn’t want to be a doctor, but knew I’d come so far that I couldn’t quit. I couldn’t disappoint my family, and I had 250 grand worth of debt. I was trapped in a situation I couldn’t control.On top of that, I suffered from a very traumatic experience caused by someone I trusted.

Then once again after being diagnosed with lupus, I considered once again that life was not worth living. I believed I wouldn’t be able to work or have children. I thought I’d always be sick and in pain. I thought for sure my boyfriend would leave me. My future looked bleak.

Each time I considered ending it all. But I got through. And I am happy. Not completely healthy, but happy.

Now I am not comparing myself to Brittany or the trial she is going through, but I believe in hope. A hope that I have in Christ. A hope that comforts me through a tough time. A hope of knowing that God always provides. A hope that reminds me to rejoice through trials, because I know it is making me a stronger and better person.

My heart goes out to her and her family, as does my prayers. I’ve shared my thoughts, please share yours.

Adaptability

Yesterday I went out to a Lupus fundraising event at a restaurant in my town. The money collected went towards supporting research at a local academic hospital. It was so amazing to see all the support from the community. The event was hosted  by a young woman with lupus and her boyfriend who was part owner of the restaurant.  She shared her story with me about how she used to be a professional dancer, and loved going on auditions until lupus took that away from her. She now works full time as a make-up artist.

It inspires me to see someone who has lost what they loved, but didn’t let it keep them down. Instead she found something new to love. Sometimes it is all to easy to give up completely because we can no longer do what we love or are familiar and comfortable with. It’s easy to become close minded and think “Well, now, I can’t do anything.” I’ve often wondered what I would do if I couldn’t practice medicine anymore. I’m really not qualified to do anything else. But maybe I could teach. Maybe I could do research. Maybe I could write a book.

I think in order to not just survive, and truly live, we need to be adaptable. We really do need to think outside the box. We need to reach beyond ourselves, and explore all that we can be. We can develop our other talents, or learn new skills. I challenge every one of you to discover something new about yourself and use it to do something great!

My Story: Part 2- Bad News

I was in the Family Health Center when the call came in. I wasn’t with a patient at the moment, so I snuck outside into the warm summer air in the front of the building. My facial swelling had improved on the steroids and I was feeling better, so I didn’t think I had anything to worry about.

I heard it in his voice. Something was wrong. He told me that my bloodwork came back and it looked like I may have lupus or some other rheumatologic disease. He said I’d need further evaluation and gave me the number of a good rheumatologist he knew.  He was apologetic for the bad news but wished me good luck.

I ran back inside speechless, guarding the center’s fax machine as I waited for the papers that would deliver my fate.  I snatched up the warm papers as they flew out of the machine. Looking at the words and numbers on the page, nothing made sense to me. What are speckled antibodies? What I did understand  was the protein in my urine, and that made me nervous. I went to consult with my supervising physician, hoping for an explanation and reassurance, but none came. She told me solemnly ” I’m not sure what this means, but it doesn’t look good”.

I met with my rheumatologist the next week. I liked her instantly. She had a genuine and caring demeanor, and seemed very knowledgeable and thorough.  She asked me every question in the book, and examined me completely, looking inside my mouth, searching my skin for rashes, testing every joint and reflex, and combing her fingers through my hair.She said the labwork pointed to lupus, but she needed to do some confirmatory tests. She also said she needed to check a few other labs to rule out any other medical conditions. People with autoimmune diseases tend to get other autoimmune diseases.

The follow-up appointment came and I was beyond anxious. I had lupus and anti-phospholipid antibodies. She said my kidneys looked okay, but we would have to monitor them, and we may need to do a  kidney biopsy. We discussed my ability to conceive and carry a baby due to my anti-phospholipid antibodies which can cause blood clots. She informed me of the worrisome symptoms to look out for, and answered every single one of anxiety-laden questions. She was patient and devised a medical treatment plan for me, explaining that we may need to make changes until I am stable. But most importantly, she told me she was there for me and that we would get through this together. I may have had bad news, but I also had hope.