I was at my cousin’s wedding this weekend, and my whole family was there, including my sister and her adorable one year old daughter. I just got married in September,so everyone was asking when it would be my turn. I answered that we wanted kids but were waiting for the right time.
But when is the right time?
My husband is doing a two year fellowship at a hospital and is working crazy, long hours. He goes in at six thirty, and sometimes doesn’t get home til 10 or even later. He also works every other weekend. We don’t have close family here, so I’d be on my own. We figured we’d wait a couple years, when we could move closer to my family, but now I’m kinda rethinking my plan.
I’m going to be 32 in a couple months, and I’ll be 34 when my husband graduates. I know that I will have a high risk pregnancy because of the lupus and anti-phospholipid antibodies. Honestly, I don’t even know if I will be able to carry, but I’d rather not think about that right now. I’m worried that the longer I wait, the more the risk will increase.
But if I do wait we will have more help and be more financially stable. We will be close to family, so someone will be able to help me during the pregnancy and first few months. I’m also not sure how much I will be able to work during the pregnancy, and I definitely plan on taking the first few months after the baby is born off. My husbands salary will increase after he finishes residency so that will really help with medical bills, and if I’m unable to work.
I’m not sure when the right time is, but I definitely want to get prepared. I plan on seeing a high risk obstetrician to figure out a plan. I know that I may have to make changes to my medications even before I become pregnant. I don’t know when I’ll get pregnant, but when I do, I know it will be the right time.
My boyfriend and I had only been dating for a couple months when I had been diagnosed. He also was a resident so he had an idea of what the disease meant. Neither of us really knew what a life with lupus meant, but we knew it would not be an easy one.
I remember one day driving with him to a wedding a few hours away.The conversation of having children came up. If I had a kidney biopsy, and things looked pretty bad, I may have to be on medication that could possibly prevent me from having children. With the anti-phospholipid antibodies, even if I could get pregnant I may not be able to carry a pregnancy. And then there was the concern for my own health, having bad flares during pregnancy. We talked about freezing eggs, in vitro, surrogates, and adoption. Pretty heavy stuff for a new relationship, but I wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. I didn’t want to get too attached, only to have him realize it was too much to handle and leave. He had told me before that he really wanted to have children, and that passing on genes was the purpose of life. I told him then I would understand if he wanted to end the relationship.
He did the opposite. Instead of running away, he moved in with me four months after we had started dating. I was having trouble with some of my daily duties. After work, in the evenings, was the worst time for me. I’d come home so exhausted, I couldn’t prepare food for myself. Forget about cleaning. Some days my fingers hurt so bad I couldn’t pick up a dish or brush my hair. Other times, I couldn’t get on and off the toilet, or out of bed without assistance. He made a bold move moving in with me, knowing he’d have to care for me. But that’s how I knew he was a keeper.
The next few months were tough for me, and I’m sure they were rough for him too. I know there were times when he’d considered giving up, and moving on. But he stuck by me, and even married me three years later.
I know things don’t always work out that way, but I do believe in a God that provides. I believe things happen for a reason, and I believe whatever happens in our life, we should never give up. Not on life, or love, or ourselves. We always have to hope.